Out here the houses are close together and have great character. The lack of front yards either leads to sparseness or it results in an over zealous attempt to plant as much as possible in a tiny amount of dirt. I used to do the same when I lived in San Francisco years ago. 

A twenty something me excitedly planted flowers inside a square of concrete. I had planted them a few times before. Each time the small space got filled with trash and dog poop. My love of flowers kept me optimistic and I continued trying. My upstairs neighbor, who was fond of having parties and throwing cigarette butts on my backyard flowers, accused me of being a martyr. I resented his bitter critique and scowled as he walked past me on the sidewalk. The raccoons fought me on the other flowers I planted in the shade between houses. It was the beginnings of what would become a greenish and stubborn thumb. 

Now, on my walk, I notice several dilapidated old vehicles with an abundance of character. I imagine them new, tanned youngsters behind the wheel, following the sun that ends where the fog begins. Today they are held together with tape and rope, and dreams of what once was. They hold story upon story of where their wheels went and of the days they sat still. I admire their sun soaked and salted patina. 

Moving past memory and present day pondering, I cherish the blue sky. I seek and find a state of calm. When the shadows become too long, I seek the brightness that created them. My camera documents while I do this delicate dance. Time circles around itself and feet are firmly planted, except when they are not. Squint, click and step. 

Good morning ocean. Someone has left you flowers. Did you happen to notice them? The wind has battered their delicate petals but it makes me love them all the more. I have a feeling that they may not actually be for you but for someone you took. They could also be in honor of someone who held you dear. I will never know, and you can't answer, so I will leave it to wonder. 

Good morning seagulls. You are lucky you do not have to be socially distant. Thanks for letting me join your gathering for a moment. I know no one hired a photographer, but lucky for you, I currently work for free (for birds anyway).  

Good morning ravens. You and I have been friends for a while now. We pretend to ignore each other, and you do that silly dance of trying to get away, when you clearly want to be close. No, I did not bring a picnic, and will not be leaving any garbage for you to collect. You do alright though. Your numbers have grown and you show a vastness of age and agility. There are some scrappy ones among you, but aren't there always? I dare say, I find them charming.  

Good morning humans. For all that need to hear it, we must do better. 

Simply being can occasionally be enough these days. It isn't always important to be poetic, profound or hardworking. It might be better to be genuinely awake and aware. In times of pause, one is an observer, a quiet wanderer, gathering energy to propel firmly forward.  

Hummingbirds are natural at social distancing. It is rare that I can capture a photo of them as they flit about. As I raise my lens, they look back at me and quickly move away. They collect the sweet bits and abandon confrontation. On the rare opportunity a hummingbird is caught still and resting, the iridescent feathers of neck and chest appear to glow from within. In these instances, I am still, breath held. The moment will quickly pass, and I must take full advantage.   

Once a hummingbird found its way into the empty storefront attached to my art studio. The confused bird flew up near the rafters of the high ceilinged warehouse space. My studio mates and I gathered around in hopes the little creature would return to the outdoors. We made sure the doors were open wide and we talked to the bird as if it understood. He found a resting spot on a chain that was pulled tight to hold the room's industrial lighting. Meanwhile, we all looked to our phones and computers to tell us how to lure the hummingbird outside. 

The color red was touted as a color for which the bird would be fond. We gathered red buckets, a red quilt, red paintings etc. We stood outside waving them around foolishly. The hummingbird was as still as I had ever seen one. I took a break from the red dance to take a few photos.

When our sea of red failed us, we turned on the HVAC system in hopes that the wave of air would send the bird flying in the right direction. To our surprise, he continued to sit watching the harebrained humans. We gave up and decided to leave him to his own devices. As we buried ourselves in art making again, he eventually flew away, on his own terms. 

Since my current camera hit its demise from tiny grains of sand, I use my camera from 8 years ago. It has dings and scrapes on the lens from the bicycle accident that broke my wrist. This camera, although damaged, is an object of value. I add a few more photos to the thousands it has helped me create. The quality is not my focus as much as the act of seeking and understanding, the space and time moved through. Objects give clues to intangible consciousness, an ebb and flow of chance circumstance.

A man looks at his phone while walking a dog, a zig zag of unawareness. I hopscotch through the street guessing his next step. "Pick a side", I think loudly. I look around for an opening with no humans. I take my mask off one ear to breathe deeply, then quickly wrap the ear strap back around my ear. I am tired of not walking with my mouth naked and haphazardly ajar, for no other reason than it is how things used to be. I ponder when breathing unencumbered will be safe again. I am frustrated with these repeated thoughts, but it is not about me. It is about all of us working together for the wellness of humanity. I know this needed wellness extends way beyond simply wearing a mask. 

I walk past an apartment building where two men are chatting while smoking cigarettes. One yells to me, "Great day, isn't it?!" I yell back, "I guess as great as it can be!" I feel bad for my lack of enthusiasm when his energy is upbeat. He yells back, "It's always great when you have rock stars!" I am not sure what this means, but picture myself at a rock concert, standing right next to the stage. The men continue chatting and I walk on. 

I pass a honeysuckle vine again. This plant, I can smell through my mask. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. My eyes well up, but I do not let the tears drop. I let the plant signal a feeling of known comfort and continue on, finding courage in the perplexing present. 

Venturing into a neighborhood not my own, I find quiet and space. But first, I look to the water that drew me to California so many years ago. I would never let go of my love affair with this state, despite the earthquakes, fires and high cost of living. What it has given me is more than what it could ever take away. It is important not to take this for granted, even when it's hard to do much outside of the house these pandemic days. For now, these walks are simple but satisfying. 

The houses in this unfamiliar neighborhood remind me of visiting my relatives in northern and southern California. The variety of plants and house colors are a different palette than were in my home state. After each vacation, I would dream of a future home painted vibrant colors that glow in the pacific salted sun. 

Here, I try to avoid the few humans I do see. I hear rustling beside me, thinking I was going to be caught unaware.  I look over my shoulder to see two deer staring at me, curious but cautious. We watch each other assessing the closeness. Am I hindering their peaceful feeding time? Are they wondering what my next move will be? It is always the camera, my tool of unforgetting. 

​Since March, my world, like most people's, has gotten pretty small. I spend all of my days at home, wondering when I will wake from the very tumultuous nightmare I have been having. Except, it is not a bad dream any of us can wake out of. It is a global reality with so many complicated layers. We can be vigilant about protecting each other from the pandemic and from the hate that grows faster than the virus we fear. It is a time of reflection with many true catalysts for change. We are in the overwhelm together, and my hope is we will come out the other side with more hope, compassion and knowledge. 

I gave up my art studio recently and have been grappling with how to express my creativity outside of the designated space I had gotten so accustomed to. Having planned the studio move-out pre-pandemic, I had been hoping to give painting a break in favor of a return to photography. Photo never leaves me, as I use my own source images in my paintings. I was looking forward to the immediacy of the camera over the brush and ready to dive right back in again. Not able to freely move within the urban environment I like to document, I played with beads; I drew; I toyed with watercolor; I wrote a thing or two. I stirred and wept, feeling like I couldn't find my voice and wondered what place it held in a world turned upside down. 

Finally, I decided to stop spinning and started taking photos on my neighborhood walks. (My current locale is a bit more rural). At first, this was just with my phone, until Monday when I dusted off the camera. With my camera in tow, I am quiet, reflective, aware and the most myself. 

If you blink too lazily, you can get caught sleeping, so why not move through life with eyes wide open?